So I'm at my crazy Korean aunt's house, and usually she's an incredibly good cook, and still is an incredibly good cook, but I got so fucking sick off of her food.

No seriously I AM SO FUCKING SIIIIIIICK OW MY HEAD OW MY EVERYTHING UUGGH POOR AMI NO REALLY SOBSOBSOB

I've just been lying on the floor and cryyying for two hours because I'm on the verge of throwing up but CAN'T, so I thought I'd try to make myself throw up faster by looking at bulimics' advice, but since I have really long nails, all I did was scratch the back of my throat so I coughed up more blood.

SO ANYWAY: Anybody know good tips on force throwing up? And fuck WebMD, IT SUCKS, I PUT IN MY SYMPTOMS AND IT TELLS ME I HAVE HEART CANCER.

WHAT A WONDERFUL JOURNAL TOPIC. In the meantime, I'd like some CONSTRUCTIVE crit on my artwork/doujin. What would you recommend I work on/change?

I'm going to make an effort to get better. A huge effort.
I'm going to think good things about myself.
I'm not going to think about her.
I am going to force myself to move on.
I'm going to think about what I have going for me in my life, instead of the opposite.
I'm going to do the things that make me happy.
I'm going to push myself even harder at school.
I'm going to make myself graduate with almost perfect grades.
I'm going to MAKE people care about me.
I'm going to not cry anymore.
No more self hatred.
No more punishing myself.
I'm going to make myself be who I thought I'd grow up to be when I was younger.
I'm going to wait until love comes to me, I'm not going to seek it out.
I'm going to MAKE MYSELF GET BETTER.
THIS IS THE LAST YEAR THAT I AM GOING TO LIVE WITH THIS.
SEVEN YEARS IS ENOUGH.
I'M NOT GOING TO HATE MYSELF BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID TO ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE SHE LEFT ME.
I'M A GOOD PERSON.
AND GODDAMNIT I'M GOING TO LIVE LIKE IT.


I promised myself I'd do this, to remind myself and shit and whatever and MAKE IT PUBLIC THAT I'M GOING TO TRY (like hell I'd say any of this stuff IRL ) I'm going to try.

And if you actually read through all of my angst (ANGGGGST), here's your prize:

THE SEXIEST GIFTART I'VE EVER RECIEVED. Tell me if you can't see it since it's Mature'd.

EDIT
I finally figured out how to upload my folders.
Fuck you, megaupload, mediafire is my one true love now.
I'm in the process of uploading them all. So far I have
Yuugiou and some Hetalia uploaded. So- have fun.


Since I had my face all over my journal for about a month, I thought
I'd change things up a little and be nice for once.
I'm always nice to you, you ungrateful slut!

So.
My personality dictates that if I like something, I have to own it.
This means that I hoard thousands of pictures of
things I like, fandom, what have you.

Since I'm feeling nice, I'm going to share all of these millions of pictures with you.
Here's a list of the folders that I have that I think people might possibly be interested in:
-FMA
-Digimon (93 pictures)
-Hetalia (4,033 pictures)
-Part one: [link]
-Part two: [link]
-All of my icons (797 pictures)
-Kino's Journey (175 pictures)
-K-On (37 pictures)
-Misc (124 pictures)
-Pictures of my mom durrhurr (361 pictures HOLY SHIT SHE TAKES A LOT OF PICTURES OF HERSELF, EVEN MORE THEN ME)
-Rozen Maiden 83.2 MB (269 pictures)
-South Park (1,042 pictures)
-Yuugiou (6,ooo+ pictures)
-Part one Bakuras: [link]
-Part two Pairings: [link]
-Part three Malik/Mariku/Bronzeshipping: [link]
-Part four Everything else (All other characters/genswap/porn/etc): [link]
-Hardcore Psychoshipping doujin that I got as a gift. VERY PORNY: [link]



Since my computer crashed and my mom found all of my porn and made me delete all of my folders, the sizes aren't as big as what they used to be,
but still-
I have a LOT of pictures, mainly in the Yuugiou-Hetalia-SP area.

So request what else you want me to upload.

I went to homecoming.
The music blew ass.
I saw ten pairs of panties.
Next year I'm wearing a tux (Seriously).
At least I got to do some photowhoring. CHECK OUT MY CURLED HAIR, HOLY SHIT.
Photodump commences.









Here's the rest, if you're interested. (Not likely)
[link]

And so I bought a Yuugiou shirt because I'm a gigantic slut for Yuugiou. I'M WEARING IT TO SCHOOL TOMORROW, WILL REPORT WHAT HAPPENS LATER. I WONDER HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL CALL ME A NERD.


And yes I do only use a webcam instead of a camera. I wonder why my pictures look so shitty.

And so- so- s-so- so I had summer reading homework. I had to read a book that discussed literary terms, then write a page essay example about the term discussed. So- I couldn't figure out an example for characters with disfigurements (more complicated then that, but I'm abridging this), so I asked someone if they could give me an example. And they're like 'WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT MALIK'.

...

So I wrote a summer reading essay about Malik. Turned it in. And got a hundred.
I have been bulled into posting it.
So here it is, my essay, and a symbol of the complete lack of self respect I have for myself after turning in a graded paper about a fucking anime character.
Oh god.


Chapter 21: Marked For Greatness

Whether the protagonist or antagonist, deformities or set backs are a common way that an author uses to show character. These characters are famous not only for their internal characteristics, but their external, as well. Foster uses the example of Richard the Third, whose twisted back represents his adulterated morals and spirituality. Markings don’t always indicate characteristics of an antagonist, however, as illustrated by the popular examples of Quasimodo and Harry Potter, who are both protagonists in their respected works. Markings are not a set way to determine character by face value, more so, that they give insight to the character the longer the story progresses, and are used to reveal characteristics for what they might mean beyond the initial reaction.

Having the hero be different from everyone else is an old and very popular trend. Whether it be physical or mental, having the protagonist be separate from conformity gives room for the character to grow, and be used as a plot crutch to add to the rising action, and climax. The same goes for side characters, and antagonists.

To find an example to fit this literary concept, I looked towards Eastern literature. To represent and illustrate my example, I will use the character Malik Ishtar from a pseudo-popular work of Japanese literature. The character shows several distinct tropes from other literary concepts, but the one I will focus on is the markings he is given. Malik was not born with scars, just as most characters were not born with their markings, but gained them over time. He was born into a family that is part of a clan of tomb keeper’s, whose main occupation is to protect the items of the Pharaoh that they will believe will return in the distant future. Similar to a religious sect and cult and other cultural tradition, there is initiation into the clan, when he reaches a certain age; ten. The initiation, is to have the ‘haraoh’s memories’ carved into his back, which remain as scars for the rest of his life. This, of course, makes him represent the Pharaoh, his upbringing, and rejects that part of his life.

The scars double as a reminder and motivation for his goal, to kill the Pharaoh who he believes in turn killed his father, and likewise sentenced his family to years of being tomb guardians. His scars, while external, remain hidden by clothes, illustrating the concept that while other characters cannot see his true intentions, he is reminded of them, and thus, always bound to his hatred and heritage. It is only during the falling action that he reveals his scars, and in a sense, over comes what held him back. Malik’s physical deformity was a direct insight to his moral deformity, but also, a paradox as it ultimately led him to overcome his inner conflict.

Yuugiou= pseudo-popular work of Japanese literature.
LOLOLOLOL
I BULLSHITTED THAT THING SO HARD, THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FUNNY LOLOL oh god I'm going to go slit my throat now. I hope you're happy.

I hate everything.

Let's talk about the things you hate.




Here's my list


i hate that it's seven thirty
i hate that i've only had twenty hours of free time this entire week, most of which i spent sleeping
i hate my love life
i hate my school
i hate the people I have to sit with at lunch
i hate my town
i hate that i hardly ever get to see my brother
or my dad
i hate my step mom
i hate my ex girlfriend
i hate going to the doctors
i hate this shirt
i hate that i'm going to have to go to bed in five hours for another week of school
i hate lizzie eschenbrenner
i hate tess stanifer
i hate nicholas briant
i hate my principal
i hate her hair
i hate our dress code
i hate waking up
i hate taking showers because my hair takes too long to blow dry
i hate that it's already dark outside
i hate that it's hot
i hate that my leg hurts
i hate cramps
i hate that i had to leave school to go to the fucking HOSPITAL because i have such horrible cramps
i hate the women at the front office of my school
I hate that all I have to look forward to in my life is college, and that all it will be is more years of studying.
I hate my heart.
I hate the ache
I hate everything
I hate every single thing
I hate wet socks
I hate dogs
I hate animal abusers
I hate girls with high pitched voices
I hate boys who think they're funny when they do stupid things
I hate gender roles
I hate that I'm treated with less respect because of my gender
I hate that I cave into feminine
I hate that people think this means that I'm weak and pathetic
I hate that I have to pretend to be happy
I hate religion
I hate faith
I hate the political world
I hate how easy humans are to brainwash
I hate human behavior
I hate that we're all the same
I hate waking up alone
I hate that my scroll bar on my mouse doesn't work anymore
I hate that I have more fun on the internet then in real life
I hate that no matter where I go, where I live, where I think would be nice, I will always have to conform, or be looked down upon for differing views
I hate conformity
I hate blatant nonconformity just for the sake of being nonconformist
I hate the color yellow
I hate homework
I hate school
I hate that I'm no longer a child
I hate depression
I hate Disney
I hate that when I dress effeminite, I don't feel dominant
I hate being not dominant
I hate that I can't find a girl more dominant then I am
I hate homophobia
I hate 'morals'
I hate rules
I hate society
I hate that my nailpolish chips in one day
I hate that it costs so much to keep my hair maintained
I hate that my mom has a stay at home job
I hate drugs
I hate people who laugh to intimidate others
I hate one piece swim suits
I hate coins that are dirty
I hate not having pockets
I hate that most skirts don't have pockets
I hate that shoes cost so much
I hate changing lanes when I'm driving
I hate rednecks
I hate men
I hate businesswoman shoes
I hate that I can't dress like a dyke
I hate the word marriage
I hate child abusers
I hate sarah palin
I hate people who have big cars
I hate 'CN'
I hate people who don't like rap music because of the mainstream shit that's on the radio
I hate my life
I hate the scars on my wrists from where I cut myself when I was younger
I hate that I'm a coward
I hate that I'm pathetic
I hate that I give in to this mindset
I hate that everyone says that I'm 'better' when I'm not
I hate that I seek attention to feel loved
I hate that my instrument gets over shadowed by the trumpet
I hate when I empty my spit valve onto my foot
I hate band competitions
I hate that I can't think of the most important things to put on this list
I hate band competitions
I hate that I fall in love with the wrong people
I hate people who think they know what love is
I hate people who are happily in love
I hate heterosexual couples in public
I hate people who don't have respect for other cultures
I hate Italian food
I hate it when it stops raining
I hate the smell of wet dog
I hate humidity
I hate heat
I hate the cold
I hate Right Wing America
I hate that I'm so opinionated
I hate longing
I hate loneliness
I hate not having money
I hate that I never get to see my dad
I hate that my step sister legally changed her last name to my last name, and my dad said she was as much his daughter as I was
I hate that I hurt people when I was younger and had anger issues
I hate that no one saw it sooner because I was feminine
I hate small towns
I hate being tired
I hate being tired but not being able to sleep
I hate the uncertainty I have about my future
I hate not being able to choose my own college
I hate responsibility
I hate love
I hate being ignored
I hate being left behind
I hate being left out
I hate that no one knows I'm hurting because I smile
I hate that no one asks me 'are you sure?' when I say I am
I hate that I want them to give me attention, but I insist that I am okay
I hate that I am making this journal because everyone will think I'm a whiny emo shit
I hate flip knives
I hate going to the beach and getting sand in everything
I hate that my art work isn't progressing as fast as I feel it should
I hate that the majority of my internet friends left me
I hate that I am scared
I hate late night tv shows
I hate getting the wrong change back
I hate going to the mall and seeing people who I know there
I hate people who trace
I hate Deviantfart's mods
I hate 5Ds
I hate the way my chin looks
I hate that I have to keep up my appearance to feel good about myself
I hate my insecurities
I hate my pessimism
I hate wearing makeup
I hate driving
I hate that my grandma talks for hours when I don't want to hear it
I hate my dog
I hate people who follow trends
I hate the new popular styles of music
I hate the current fashion
I hate that I can't think of anything else
I hate that I can make a bigger list of things that I hate then things that I like
I hate how I look when I smile
I hate MSN IM's default emoticions
I hate people who think they're deep
I hate skinny people
I hate people who have no personality
I hate people who can't have a conversation
I hate when my shirt gets looser from wearing it so it's not as tight as it was at the beginning of the day
I hate football
I hate chocolate
I hate veins
I hate people who don't pop their zits
I hate that I keep thinking of things to add to my hate list so then I have to go all the fucking way back and update
I hate that the news only shows bad things
I hate facebook
I hate freshman
I hate seniors
I hate colorguard
I hate squeeky chairs
I hate when you have a cold during school, and you need to blow your nose but you don't want to because you don't want people to listen to you
I hate forgetting to take medicine
I hate that my mom moves all my shit and then forgets where she puts it
I hate that my mom is bipolar
I hate that I'm never going to be able to travel farther then the Earth
I hate that the Earth is so small
I hate that I'm going to die
I hate that I feel my life is worthless
I hate uncertainty
I hate the feeling on your teeth after you eat an orange
I hate the days when your nose hurts for no reason
I hate that my hair gets split ends easily
I hate that I don't have a bigger nose
I hate that I will never be the best at anything
I hate that deviantart has such shitty icons
I hate furries
I hate people who use old memes
I hate men who have long hair
I hate crocks
I hate that Hot Topic rapes everything it gets its hands on
I hate that I like Yuugiou so much
I hate people who wear things just because Hot Topic sold them
I hate people
I hate Lindsay Delany, Mr. Delany, and Mrs. Delany
I hate fat people who honk at you in their car
I hate fat people
I hate the clearance rack
I hate finding cute clothes and then realizing its the wrong size
I hate having my ear phones break
I hate nightmares
I hate people who yell at their kids in stores
I hate when babies cry in public
I hate pregnant women
I hate that I have to lean my arms onto my desk to type which then makes indentations on them
I hate people who brag about their dissorder or whatever the fuck
I hate girls who walk with a bounce so their tits jiggle purposefully
I hate tea
I hate when my ipod runs out of juice
I hate when my pencil eraser runs out
I hate not having gum
I hate people who are constantly chewing gum
I hate that we're not allowed to blow bubbles in class
I hate being in high school
I hate that my age limits me
I hate that I feel superior
I hate that I have to answer to authority that's less intelligent then me
I hate that my IQ doesn't save me from the idiocricy that I have to live with, and the way they treat me
I hate not being able to find the tv clicker
I hate waking up and having my neck hurt
I hate having my hair bands break
I hate getting my hair tangled
I hate having to breathe out of my mouth
I hate math
I hate change
I hate sports
I hate things I'm not good at
I hate having to clean my room
I hate crumbs
I hate when my house isn't clean
I hate religious propoganda
I hate bilboards
I hate getting car sick
I hate not being able to act on urges
I hate that I have to often be the better person
I hate having to be the only one to work on projects
I hate that my teachers think I'm ~just like them~ because of my grades
I hate putting on mascara and then having it get onto my hair
I hate cheap make up
I hate getting rips in tights
I hate having to ask people to repeat themselves
I hate the way my voice sounds
I hate that I'm missing a key on my keyboard and don't know what key it is
I hate when I'm typing this and have a long sentence and it creates a new line with just a couple of words in it
I hate people my age
I hate being hungry after eating
I hate eating in front of people
I hate breaking lead
I hate my handwriting
I hate when the microwave cooks something half way and it's cold in the middle
I hate half of the stamps on my shoutboard
I hate that I would give everything to my exgirlfriend, no matter what, no matter when, no matter how
I hate the power she has over me, even gone
I hate that I do the opposite of what I feel
I hate sunny days
I hate forgetting words in German
I hate grammar
I hate that I know nothing about the English language and how it's set up
I hate my country's culture
I hate my country's seemingly vast stupidity
I hate feeling as if I'm trapped by society
I hate being in control but not being able to take control
I hate buying food
I hate feeling full
I hate sweating
I hate that flowers wilt after picking them
I hate when I get bit by bugs
I hate that the people I care about don't know it
I hate that the people I most want to talk to I'm intimidated by
I hate that I love you
I hate that I'll never be with you
I hate that I'm in love with two people
I hate that I'll never be with either
I hate that the word Canada now makes my heart hurt
I hate not having new mail to reply to
I hate being hungry at 1o in the morning because my school starts so early
I hate that I want the stupid people to like me
I hate that I let them make me feel unwanted
I hate that I only have an hour left before I have to go to sleep and wake up for another week of work
I hate going to a restaurant and trying to pour the crushed red pepper on your pizza, only the stupid bottle doesn't pour more than one flake out at a time.
I hate puzzles, Sudoku, and any other "games" that are not fun.
I hate waiters who ask, "Would you like to hear our specials?" and then proceed to list about 62 DIFFERENT SPECIALS WITHOUT STOPPING TO SEE IF I CARE ANYMORE.
I hate the way your hands are still wet after you wash them and dry them with a towel.
I hate hotel food.
I hate shitty parents.
I hate expensive organic food.
I hate getting crap underneath my fingernails.
I hate the Spanish language.
I hate getting cold fries when you order fast food.
I hate fast food.
I hate people who confuse doing something for a long time with being good at it.
I hate people who read a book and take it WAY too literally.
I hate summer homework.
I hate people who ask for "honest feedback" but don't really want it.
I hate cold showers.
I hate when my 'free trial' for something runs out.
I hate when my computer shuts down in the middle of a project.
I hate taking notes.
I hate not making straight As.
I hate warm milk.
I hate dishwater.